In Estero, Florida, a man wearing a mop on his head attempted to rob a gas station this week. Could be he had a secret yearning for dreadlocks, and this was the closest he could get. More likely, he was following in the footsteps of his hero, the Duct Tape Bandit.
When the cashier was too slow to hand over the money, the impatient scamp up and left. Although the not-so-clever caper was caught on tape, he is still missing. Police investigators will review the surveillance tapes, hoping to run across a few clues to the man’s identity.
Meanwhile, anyone spotting a redneck hanging out with a big white, janitorial mop atop his head is asked to contact the Estero Police Department immediately. He ain’t there to clean up the streets. Warning: He may still be sporting the mop handle.
These good ol’ boys in their odd disguises seem to be making a redneck crime fashion statement. Reckon this spells trouble for the ski mask industry?–Tex
Thanks to readers like you and a $1,000 reward, the Saint Jo Police Department received hundreds of tips about that scoundrel who ran off with those $10K boots last week. (See “Boot-Scootin’ Varmint” Aug. 12.) Chief Jonathan Lloyd claimed the massive media attention was a big help. (ahem… You’re welcome, Chief.) One tip led officers to the Cooke County Jail, where they apparently had a nice chat with an inmate who pointed them in the right direction.
Chief Lloyd and another officer drove more than 200 miles in the next 11 hours, talking to about a dozen folks and searching five homes and businesses from Denton to Callisburg, Texas. Finally, the suspect phoned Chief Lloyd while he was searching yet another house. The lily-livered varmint refused to turn himself in but did agree to take the boots to a safe location. Around 7 p.m. Thursday, he called again to say the boots were on U.S. Highway 82 in Muenster. Sure enough, that’s where police found them–a little scuffed up but safe and sound.
Saint Jo Police are expected to file charges right soon. According to the boots’ owner and designer, Carl Chappell, “The guy wore them into several Western Wear stores, so we’ve got about ten positive photos of the suspect.” (Dallas Morning News)
This fella needs to be kept barefoot and in jail, far away from any respectable Western Wear retailers. Even a redneck can’t mess with another man’s boots and get by with it.–Tex
Shamrock Liquors in Ashland, Kentucky, didn’t turn out so lucky for Kasey Kazee last weekend when he apparently walked in with his head wrapped in duct tape and demanded money. Like a character from a Beavis and Butthead cartoon, he also wore a t-shirt pulled around his ears. Store manager Bill Steele gave Kazee two rolls of coins before grabbing a (swear to Gawd) duct-tape-wrapped bat from beneath the counter and chasing him outside.
Kazee’s shiny silver head couldn’t have been too hard to spot in the parking lot. (Note to Rednecks: Give up any such ideas of clever disguises. We know who you are.) Another Shamrock employee, Craig Miller, tackled him there and kept him in a chokehold until police arrived. Luckily, most of the coins were retrieved from the surrounding pavement.
The 24-year-old wannabe whatever was charged with first-degree robbery but pleaded not guilty. During a jailhouse interview with a reporter from WSAZ News of Huntington, WV, Kazee denied being the robber or wearing the tape. “They’ve got the wrong man,” he said. Although Ashland police have photos of him wearing the duct tape, and obvious markings remained on his face, Kazee claimed to have no memory of the tape or even of entering the store. “Do I look like the Duct Tape Bandit to you?” he asked with a more or less straight face. (Video at http://www.wsaz.com/news/headlines/9129056.html)
Do I look like I just fell off a watermelon truck? Truth be told, I reckon lots of crazy things just naturally happen to a guy with a name like Kasey Kazee. What was his mama thinkin’? –Tex
Imagine 6,000 rednecks, confederate flags waving amid hundreds of camouflage-decorated tents, RVs, ATVs, and Hawgs (motorcycles), gathering for a little live music and drinking, a lot of engine-revving and mud-wollering, and some downright friendly competitions such as the Daisy Duke Showoff (women in cut-off jeans) and the Ugly Butt-Crack Contest (don’t ask). That’s just the tip of the monster truck when it came to the 1st Annual Texas Redneck Games and 2nd Annual Truck Offroad Shootout held at the Rabbit Creek ATV-RV Park near Kilgore on August 5-7.
The organizers’ website (http://www.baddrabbit.com/texasredneckgames05.htm) lists in detail all the exciting events scheduled for the weekend, including the Mudpit Belly Flop, Tampon Tossing, Spam Eating Contest, and Redneck Car Bash to name just a few. A little something for everyone on the grounds of the 3,000-acre park—a mixture of forest, sand, mud bog, and prairie.
The Henderson County Sheriff’s Department reported that more than 54 arrests and citations had been issued on charges from public intoxication to speeding by the time everybody went home. The Mattress Chunk competition (to see how far a team of two men could hurl a mattress from the back of a pickup) seemed to confound Lt. Pat McWilliams, the sheriff’s public information officer. “I’m an old fuddy-duddy and all that,” he said. “But you got a vehicle, you got alcohol, and you got illegal dumping, and you’re making a contest out of that?” According to McWilliams, the organizer could face a misdemeanor charge for not having a permit. Texas law requires any gathering of more than 2,500 people to have one. The neighboring farmers ain’t too thrilled either.
I swear, folks, I’m not making this stuff up. Just another day in my little corner of Redneck Heaven. Any redneck activity to report in your neck of the woods? –Tex
Recently, a twenty-something young man in sneakers moseyed into Trail Town Custom Leather in St. Jo, Texas, and asked the price for repairing a pair of boots. “My grandfather left me a pair of elephant boots, but the dogs chewed the tops,” he told apprentice bootmaker John Glaze and asked how much it would cost to repair them. Then a solicitor called. Glaze listened to the caller’s spiel for a while before noticing that his customer was leaving. Realizing the guy was carrying his tennis shoes, Glaze got suspicious, walked to the front window and saw that he had on a pair of $10,000 boots. “By the time I made it to the door, he was already going around the corner. And by the time I got to the corner, he was in his white pickup truck driving toward Forestburg,” Glaze said.
The boots, with handtooled leather tops depicting a cattle drive and bucking broncos, were the most expensive pair in the shop. Created by Glaze’s boss Carl Chappell, they had won first place at the 2003 Boot & Saddle Makers Trade Show Round Up in Wichita Falls.
Reward posters posted alongside U.S. Hwy. 82, around the town square and on the Internet offer a $1,000 reward, stating, “Anyone wanting to turn this piece of trash in should contact the Saint Jo PD.” Glaze hopes the reward will motivate one of the thief’s “scumbag friends” to turn him in. (Dallas Morning News, 8/12)
Nothing says ‘Texan’ like a fine pair of cowboy boots and a Stetson. Here’s hoping that varmint ends up with toe blisters and trips over those fancy high heels to fall on his sorry butt while dancin’ the Cotton Eyed Joe. –Tex
According to an article in the Dallas Morning News (8/8), a 33-year-old woman known as the “Tattoo Bandit” was arrested last week in Euless, Texas. She wasn’t thinking straight, she said, when she committed robbery after robbery throughout Tarrant County to support her cocaine/heroin habit. Surveillance footage showed her face and the cross tattoo on her wrist during several of her 12 holdups; thus, the nickname. “When you go in somewhere with a gun in your hand, you’re pretty desperate. I wasn’t really going to hurt anyone,” she told reporters, adding that her gun wasn’t loaded. That could not be immediately confirmed.
I can’t imagine why those mean ol’ police officers didn’t cut this poor woman a break. After all, how much damage can one redneck gal do with an unloaded gun? Contributions to her defense fund may be made to your nearest corner dealer, who I”m sure will forward the cash. –Tex
