One thing’s for sure… It takes a mighty dumb redneck to walk into a bar in Oklahoma City wearing a Texas Longhorns T-shirt. But according to police, that’s just what Brian Christopher Thomas, a 32-year-old Texas fan, did when he strolled into Henry Hudson’s Pub on Father’s Day. Reportedly, the sight of that Texas T-shirt set off some less-than-good-natured “football trash talk” by Oklahoma fan Allen Michael Beckett, 53, a church deacon and Army combat veteran. Thomas later told police that he tried to ignore Beckett but finally gave up. When he went to the bar to pay his tab, he said, Beckett grabbed him in the crotch, pulled him to the ground and wouldn’t let go, so he fought back. By the time the other bar patrons separated the two men, according to Thomas, he had suffered an injury to his ahem private parts that required about sixty stitches at a nearby hospital.

Billy Bock, Beckett’s attorney, admitted that his client may have commented about Thomas’ shirt, but said it was just good-natured ribbing and that Beckett even apologized to Thomas when he got upset. Then, Bock said, Thomas approached Beckett at the bar and threatened him. “My guy (client Beckett) was defending himself and just took control of the situation.”

Beckett, a federal auditor, has pleaded not guilty and will appear in court again October 4, two days before the Sooners and Longhorns game at the Cotton Bowl in Dallas. He faces up to five years in prison and a $500 fine if convicted of aggravated assault and battery. Thomas has returned to his job as a Sam’s Club meat-cutter. Neither man attended either university, obviously.

Boys will be boys? Hell… When it comes to football, rednecks and booze, I reckon we’re talking a whole other life form! — Tex

The police chief in Alton, a small town in the Rio Grande Valley, has been charged with two counts of sexual assault for allegedly violating two male employees during parties at his home. According to court documents, Chief Jose Luis Vela, 42, is accused of performing oral sex on a male employee after the man passed out drunk at a party about a year ago at Vela’s home, and also of violating a different male employee with an object while that man was passed out at yet another party in July. Vela was being held in the Hidalgo County Jail on $200,000 bond for the two felony charges. Sounds like this good ole boy had a real odd way of practicing equal opportunity employment.

The Houston Chronicle reports that a Houston ISD police officer was suspended this month after complaints from residents and school district leaders about a crude “Ghetto Handbook” passed out by the man during a roll call in May. The eight-page handout, subtitled “Wucha dun did now?,” supposedly included definitions meant to enable a reader to speak Ebonics “as if you just came out of the hood.” Ebonics (derivative of ebony and phonics per Webster’s) is a nonstandard variety of English spoken by some black Americans. The pamphlet listed definitions for terms like “foty: a 40-ounce bottle of beer;” “aks: to ask a question;” and “hoodrat: scummy girl.” I’m hoping “hoodslime: the idiot passing out this book” was included as well. Officials have suspended the officer without pay and ordered him to attend diversity training. That oughta teach the sucker!

Now don’t get the wrong idea… We’ve still got plenty of good guys in white hats protecting and serving us Texas folk. Somebody just really needs to come up with a good redneck detector that would disqualify in a heartbeat this kind of riff-raff from entering public buildings, much less getting anywhere near their personnel offices.–Tex

“I think the evidence will show that Daniel has an anger management problem,” Gage told a Leon County jury. (Duh?) Until that day, according to prosecutors, the two men had “a pretty good neighborly relationship.” Mr. Clampitt’s widow testified that her husband had been pretty excited when the pigs wandered into their backyard. Thinking they were feral, he shot and skinned the little critters.

Prosecutors said authorities learned of Clampitte’s death only after Tolopka called 911 with “a cock-and-bull story.” In a recording played for jurors, Tolopka calmly told the 911 operator, “My neighbor’s laying dead on the ground. Can you send somebody out, please?” He later told investigators that he was feeding his goats when he heard shots and that he then chased a stranger standing nearby. “Over and over again, he tells these lies,” Gage told jurors, adding that Tolopka had even washed his clothes and taken a shower before sending police “on a wild goose chase.”

On Friday, August 24, 2007, following a brief deliberation by the jury, Tolopka was sentenced to 99 years in prison—the maximum penalty. His lawyer, J. Paxton Adams, commented, “We had a lot of bad facts working against us.” (The Eagle-Bryan, Texas)

Think this story might have had a happier ending if those little pigs had come from a happier home (a nice brick one that no amount of huffing and puffing could blow down) and had wanted to stay there? So it goes in Redneck Land… –Tex

The owner of the property, Richard Garriott, said the buildings are normally used for special events. After he first became aware of the break-in, he said, “We were debating whether we would even report this to the police until we discovered a digital camera sitting on the porch of one of the cabins broken into. We were joking to ourselves about tomorrow morning, when they (the criminals) would wake up with a hangover and wonder where their camera was.”

When detectives from the Travis County Sheriff’s Office checked out the camera, they found photos of the perpetrators in action. Though the pictures looked more like souvenirs from a fraternity party than action at a crime scene, the investigators obviously had gotten lucky. All they have to do now is post the photos and wait to hear from someone who can identify the little devils.

Check out this snapshot and see if you recognize any of these yahoos. If so, put on your white hat and call Crimestoppers at 512-472-TIPS. Thanks!—Tex