Redneck Crime

Ever since I can remember, probably since the birth of beer and football, the rivalry between the University of Texas and the University of Oklahoma has been legendary. Folks in Dallas, the site of the annual face-off between the two teams, know to stay off the streets on Texas-OU weekend. I suspect the schools long ago decided to meet on neutral territory in order to cut down on the bloodshed and rebel-rousin’ enjoyed by all those good ol’ boys.

One thing’s for sure… It takes a mighty dumb redneck to walk into a bar in Oklahoma City wearing a Texas Longhorns T-shirt. But according to police, that’s just what Brian Christopher Thomas, a 32-year-old Texas fan, did when he strolled into Henry Hudson’s Pub on Father’s Day. Reportedly, the sight of that Texas T-shirt set off some less-than-good-natured “football trash talk” by Oklahoma fan Allen Michael Beckett, 53, a church deacon and Army combat veteran. Thomas later told police that he tried to ignore Beckett but finally gave up. When he went to the bar to pay his tab, he said, Beckett grabbed him in the crotch, pulled him to the ground and wouldn’t let go, so he fought back. By the time the other bar patrons separated the two men, according to Thomas, he had suffered an injury to his ahem private parts that required about sixty stitches at a nearby hospital.

Billy Bock, Beckett’s attorney, admitted that his client may have commented about Thomas’ shirt, but said it was just good-natured ribbing and that Beckett even apologized to Thomas when he got upset. Then, Bock said, Thomas approached Beckett at the bar and threatened him. “My guy (client Beckett) was defending himself and just took control of the situation.”

Beckett, a federal auditor, has pleaded not guilty and will appear in court again October 4, two days before the Sooners and Longhorns game at the Cotton Bowl in Dallas. He faces up to five years in prison and a $500 fine if convicted of aggravated assault and battery. Thomas has returned to his job as a Sam’s Club meat-cutter. Neither man attended either university, obviously.

Boys will be boys? Hell… When it comes to football, rednecks and booze, I reckon we’re talking a whole other life form! — Tex

Texas has long enjoyed its own form of justice, but recent revelations about local law enforcement training methods have even the most macho Texans rolling their eyes.

The police chief in Alton, a small town in the Rio Grande Valley, has been charged with two counts of sexual assault for allegedly violating two male employees during parties at his home. According to court documents, Chief Jose Luis Vela, 42, is accused of performing oral sex on a male employee after the man passed out drunk at a party about a year ago at Vela’s home, and also of violating a different male employee with an object while that man was passed out at yet another party in July. Vela was being held in the Hidalgo County Jail on $200,000 bond for the two felony charges. Sounds like this good ole boy had a real odd way of practicing equal opportunity employment.

The Houston Chronicle reports that a Houston ISD police officer was suspended this month after complaints from residents and school district leaders about a crude “Ghetto Handbook” passed out by the man during a roll call in May. The eight-page handout, subtitled “Wucha dun did now?,” supposedly included definitions meant to enable a reader to speak Ebonics “as if you just came out of the hood.” Ebonics (derivative of ebony and phonics per Webster’s) is a nonstandard variety of English spoken by some black Americans. The pamphlet listed definitions for terms like “foty: a 40-ounce bottle of beer;” “aks: to ask a question;” and “hoodrat: scummy girl.” I’m hoping “hoodslime: the idiot passing out this book” was included as well. Officials have suspended the officer without pay and ordered him to attend diversity training. That oughta teach the sucker!

Now don’t get the wrong idea… We’ve still got plenty of good guys in white hats protecting and serving us Texas folk. Somebody just really needs to come up with a good redneck detector that would disqualify in a heartbeat this kind of riff-raff from entering public buildings, much less getting anywhere near their personnel offices.–Tex