Redneck Crime

A 45-year-old South Texas woman scheduled to face negligent homicide charges will not show up for her trial tomorrow morning—the sixth trial date set for the case. Brazoria County District Attorney Jeri Yenne has dismissed the charges for lack of evidence. The woman has not and apparently will not be convicted, so her name will not be appear here. But how could any self-respecting redneck reporter resist sharing a few juicy details of a death-by-enema case?

Yep, that’s right… A gal stood by her man in May 2004 at their home near Houston and administered an enema of not one but two large bottles of sherry. Her 58-year-old machinist husband died of alcohol poisoning as a result, but she swears she was just doing what he told her to do. According to police, the man’s blood alcohol level rose to 0.47 percent, nearly six times the level considered legally drunk in Texas.

The widow told the Houston Chronicle that her husband had been addicted to enemas since childhood and often used alcohol in that manner to get drunk. Supposedly, a throat ailment left him unable to drink booze.

In a telephone interview with Reuters, District Attorney Yenne said the dead man had “a severe alcohol issue,” and it was not clear that his wife had committed a crime. A charge that the accused had burned her husband’s will a month before his death was also dropped, she said. “We were never able to verify there was a signed, executed document.”

Guess this guy liked to literally booze it UP. (Sorry, couldn’t resist.) Thought I’d heard or read it all when it comes to methods of mayhem and murder, but this one sure never popped up on my screen before. The possibilities downright blow my mind. And just think of what that poor lil’ widder-woman had to endure at cocktail hour each day.—Tex

Ever since I can remember, probably since the birth of beer and football, the rivalry between the University of Texas and the University of Oklahoma has been legendary. Folks in Dallas, the site of the annual face-off between the two teams, know to stay off the streets on Texas-OU weekend. I suspect the schools long ago decided to meet on neutral territory in order to cut down on the bloodshed and rebel-rousin’ enjoyed by all those good ol’ boys.

One thing’s for sure… It takes a mighty dumb redneck to walk into a bar in Oklahoma City wearing a Texas Longhorns T-shirt. But according to police, that’s just what Brian Christopher Thomas, a 32-year-old Texas fan, did when he strolled into Henry Hudson’s Pub on Father’s Day. Reportedly, the sight of that Texas T-shirt set off some less-than-good-natured “football trash talk” by Oklahoma fan Allen Michael Beckett, 53, a church deacon and Army combat veteran. Thomas later told police that he tried to ignore Beckett but finally gave up. When he went to the bar to pay his tab, he said, Beckett grabbed him in the crotch, pulled him to the ground and wouldn’t let go, so he fought back. By the time the other bar patrons separated the two men, according to Thomas, he had suffered an injury to his ahem private parts that required about sixty stitches at a nearby hospital.

Billy Bock, Beckett’s attorney, admitted that his client may have commented about Thomas’ shirt, but said it was just good-natured ribbing and that Beckett even apologized to Thomas when he got upset. Then, Bock said, Thomas approached Beckett at the bar and threatened him. “My guy (client Beckett) was defending himself and just took control of the situation.”

Beckett, a federal auditor, has pleaded not guilty and will appear in court again October 4, two days before the Sooners and Longhorns game at the Cotton Bowl in Dallas. He faces up to five years in prison and a $500 fine if convicted of aggravated assault and battery. Thomas has returned to his job as a Sam’s Club meat-cutter. Neither man attended either university, obviously.

Boys will be boys? Hell… When it comes to football, rednecks and booze, I reckon we’re talking a whole other life form! — Tex

Sometime in July, nine or so people broke into a few cabins on Coldwater Canyon near Austin, Texas, and partied hearty for the next few hours. By the time all was said and done, the culprits drank or made off with about $5,000 worth of booze, including some high-falutin’ scotch and $800 bottles of wine.

The owner of the property, Richard Garriott, said the buildings are normally used for special events. After he first became aware of the break-in, he said, “We were debating whether we would even report this to the police until we discovered a digital camera sitting on the porch of one of the cabins broken into. We were joking to ourselves about tomorrow morning, when they (the criminals) would wake up with a hangover and wonder where their camera was.”

When detectives from the Travis County Sheriff’s Office checked out the camera, they found photos of the perpetrators in action. Though the pictures looked more like souvenirs from a fraternity party than action at a crime scene, the investigators obviously had gotten lucky. All they have to do now is post the photos and wait to hear from someone who can identify the little devils.

Check out this snapshot and see if you recognize any of these yahoos. If so, put on your white hat and call Crimestoppers at 512-472-TIPS. Thanks!—Tex

Imagine 6,000 rednecks, confederate flags waving amid hundreds of camouflage-decorated tents, RVs, ATVs, and Hawgs (motorcycles), gathering for a little live music and drinking, a lot of engine-revving and mud-wollering, and some downright friendly competitions such as the Daisy Duke Showoff (women in cut-off jeans) and the Ugly Butt-Crack Contest (don’t ask). That’s just the tip of the monster truck when it came to the 1st Annual Texas Redneck Games and 2nd Annual Truck Offroad Shootout held at the Rabbit Creek ATV-RV Park near Kilgore on August 5-7.
The organizers’ website (http://www.baddrabbit.com/texasredneckgames05.htm) lists in detail all the exciting events scheduled for the weekend, including the Mudpit Belly Flop, Tampon Tossing, Spam Eating Contest, and Redneck Car Bash to name just a few. A little something for everyone on the grounds of the 3,000-acre park—a mixture of forest, sand, mud bog, and prairie.
The Henderson County Sheriff’s Department reported that more than 54 arrests and citations had been issued on charges from public intoxication to speeding by the time everybody went home. The Mattress Chunk competition (to see how far a team of two men could hurl a mattress from the back of a pickup) seemed to confound Lt. Pat McWilliams, the sheriff’s public information officer. “I’m an old fuddy-duddy and all that,” he said. “But you got a vehicle, you got alcohol, and you got illegal dumping, and you’re making a contest out of that?” According to McWilliams, the organizer could face a misdemeanor charge for not having a permit. Texas law requires any gathering of more than 2,500 people to have one. The neighboring farmers ain’t too thrilled either.

I swear, folks, I’m not making this stuff up. Just another day in my little corner of Redneck Heaven. Any redneck activity to report in your neck of the woods? –Tex