Redneck Crime

Texas has long enjoyed its own form of justice, but recent revelations about local law enforcement training methods have even the most macho Texans rolling their eyes.

The police chief in Alton, a small town in the Rio Grande Valley, has been charged with two counts of sexual assault for allegedly violating two male employees during parties at his home. According to court documents, Chief Jose Luis Vela, 42, is accused of performing oral sex on a male employee after the man passed out drunk at a party about a year ago at Vela’s home, and also of violating a different male employee with an object while that man was passed out at yet another party in July. Vela was being held in the Hidalgo County Jail on $200,000 bond for the two felony charges. Sounds like this good ole boy had a real odd way of practicing equal opportunity employment.

The Houston Chronicle reports that a Houston ISD police officer was suspended this month after complaints from residents and school district leaders about a crude “Ghetto Handbook” passed out by the man during a roll call in May. The eight-page handout, subtitled “Wucha dun did now?,” supposedly included definitions meant to enable a reader to speak Ebonics “as if you just came out of the hood.” Ebonics (derivative of ebony and phonics per Webster’s) is a nonstandard variety of English spoken by some black Americans. The pamphlet listed definitions for terms like “foty: a 40-ounce bottle of beer;” “aks: to ask a question;” and “hoodrat: scummy girl.” I’m hoping “hoodslime: the idiot passing out this book” was included as well. Officials have suspended the officer without pay and ordered him to attend diversity training. That oughta teach the sucker!

Now don’t get the wrong idea… We’ve still got plenty of good guys in white hats protecting and serving us Texas folk. Somebody just really needs to come up with a good redneck detector that would disqualify in a heartbeat this kind of riff-raff from entering public buildings, much less getting anywhere near their personnel offices.–Tex