Redneck Crime

A 45-year-old South Texas woman scheduled to face negligent homicide charges will not show up for her trial tomorrow morning—the sixth trial date set for the case. Brazoria County District Attorney Jeri Yenne has dismissed the charges for lack of evidence. The woman has not and apparently will not be convicted, so her name will not be appear here. But how could any self-respecting redneck reporter resist sharing a few juicy details of a death-by-enema case?

Yep, that’s right… A gal stood by her man in May 2004 at their home near Houston and administered an enema of not one but two large bottles of sherry. Her 58-year-old machinist husband died of alcohol poisoning as a result, but she swears she was just doing what he told her to do. According to police, the man’s blood alcohol level rose to 0.47 percent, nearly six times the level considered legally drunk in Texas.

The widow told the Houston Chronicle that her husband had been addicted to enemas since childhood and often used alcohol in that manner to get drunk. Supposedly, a throat ailment left him unable to drink booze.

In a telephone interview with Reuters, District Attorney Yenne said the dead man had “a severe alcohol issue,” and it was not clear that his wife had committed a crime. A charge that the accused had burned her husband’s will a month before his death was also dropped, she said. “We were never able to verify there was a signed, executed document.”

Guess this guy liked to literally booze it UP. (Sorry, couldn’t resist.) Thought I’d heard or read it all when it comes to methods of mayhem and murder, but this one sure never popped up on my screen before. The possibilities downright blow my mind. And just think of what that poor lil’ widder-woman had to endure at cocktail hour each day.—Tex

My friend Helen Ginger, writer and publisher of a great ezine for writers called Doing It Write, recently tagged me to share eight things about my writing that few people know. Since I’m not quite world famous (yet), that’s not a tough order to fill. Here goes…

1) Started this illustrious career by writing plays in school in lieu of themes or essays. They weren’t particularly good plays, but I usually could count on an A for originality from teachers sick to death of reading encyclopedic data. For fun, we even staged one or two.

2) Chased the big bucks (not 2 or 4-legged ones, just the good ol’ green stuff) for a few years after college by working in public relations. Yeah, right.

3) Wrote numerous freelance articles for such exciting publications as a ping-pong magazine, a senior citizens’ newspaper, and some corporate newsletters.

4) Played Lois Lane for a while as a reporter and lifestyles editor for a daily newspaper, chasing down such exciting stories as school lunch menus, singings on the grounds, and dairy festivals.

5) Founded LifeSketches, a company dedicated to preserving in various formats the extraordinary stories of ordinary folks.

6) Had a blast working with over 200 veterans of WWII, Korea, and Vietnam to preserve their heroic stories for their families and for the Library of Congress Veterans Project.

7) Balancing my workload now as an entrepreneur, freelance writer/editor, book review website partner, blogger, public speaker, writing teacher, and (in my spare time) event planner.

8 ) My favorite projects today include writing a memoir, Growing Up Redneck, and digging for ridiculous stories for my RedneckCrime.com blog.

Whew! Think I’ll go take a nap now. Thanks, Helen… Without your little nudge, I wouldn’t have realized what a busy gal I am. For more about Helen, who’s probably even busier, check out her blog Straight from Hel.

I enjoy your blog and thought I’d share a couple of redneck crime ditties:

Our family lived for a number of years in a very small, southeastern Oklahoma town. We’d moved there from an eastern city of over a million people. It was delightful to live in a place where the worst crime listed in the weekly newspaper was the theft of eleven calves. One week, the paper reported that a man named Mike Smith (also my husband’s name) had stolen the tires off of the Vo-Tech jeep. We never discovered who that other Mike Smith was, and my husband was eyed with humorous suspicion by some local folks for the duration of our time there. People greeted him with, “Hey Mike, can you get me a set of tires cheap?”

Also, a friend of mine owned a farm near Beaver, OK. One day, he discovered that someone had pulled a truck up to one of his pastures and had stolen a small herd of cows, all of whom were pregnant. He reported the theft along with his brand. Several weeks later, he found the herd back in the pasture. By then, they had delivered their calves. The conscientious thief was never caught.

Ahhhh, life in Redneck Country… There just ain’t nothing else like it! Thanks for this, Katherine, and welcome to our HORES posse (Honorary Ornery Redneck Endurers rounding up great stories). A big grin for the brass cajunes of that cattle thief since I can’t imagine anything more challenging than dealing with a herd of pregnant females of any sort, much less overseeing labor and delivery. No big surprise that he soon returned them. –Tex

A low-down thief in Homestead, Florida, stole a backhoe, believe it or not, from a construction site this week. As if that wasn’t bad enough, the varmint then used the backhoe to haul away a Bank of America ATM that contained about $100,000 cash, according to a UPI report.

Homestead police are interested in talking to this fella real soon. “I’ve seen some crazy stuff with ATMs and all, but I haven’t seen this before,” police Capt. Ed Bowe told the Miami Herald.

A surveillance video from the bank showed a man in a four-door gold or tan Ford F-250 drive up to the ATM. Four minutes later, the backhoe shows up with a man behind the wheel. “(He) proceeds to use the backhoe to scoop up the ATM. And then the cameras go out,” Bowe said. Police officials think the Ford driver and the backhoe driver could be the same person. The backhoe, by the way, was found a few blocks away. It was still running and soon apprehended. No suspect was onboard, nor have any turned up since.

This particular redneck obviously needed some extra cash to support his fancy Florida fun-in-the-sun lifestyle. Times like that, a good ol’ boy’s probably remembering his pappy’s words back on the farm… “A little hard work never hurt nobody.” Could be his long, hard hours on the farm or in a construction yard are finally starting to pay off. I reckon the State of Florida would be more than happy to even provide him with room and board someday.–Tex

A few Denton, Texas cops enjoyed a little change-of-pace excitement recently. It all started when they responded to a complaint about a home invasion in a quiet neighborhood.

About the time the po-lice arrived, the burglary suspect jumped out of a window and led them on a wild 10-minute foot chase before ducking into a drainage pipe. Being the patient sort, the officers waited for the perp to pop out. When he didn’t, they called the guys at the city water department to come dig a few holes in the pipe so they could get their man.

Hours later, they finally were able to drag the suspect out in a daring (okay, maybe it was more like ‘baring’) rescue. Believe it or not, this redneck wannabe-bandit had ended up trapped 300 feet from where he originally entered the storm-sewer pipe. He was treated at Denton Regional Medical Center before being released into police custody to face a charge of evading arrest.

The moral to this story? We’ve sure come a long way from those posses who had to chase down the bad guys and corner em in a deadend canyon.–Tex

Since early August, a redneck-loving artist has been hell bent for leather on decorating the great business outdoors in Sugar House Park and other areas of Salt Lake City, Utah. Left in his wake were some mighty interesting renditions of the country music icon Johnny Cash. More than a dozen graffiti drawings of the entertainer—bushy eyebrows, big nose, sneer and all—appeared along with his famous intro, “Hello, I’m Johnny Cash,” and sometimes, “I’m a drifter.”

According to a report in The Salt Lake Tribune, the city’s Community Intelligence Officers (who target serial crimes) soon began pooling their resources to document sightings of the Cash fan. He avoided capture, though, until a surveillance video from a local business provided the local po-lice with a clear look at the guy in action, and a tip led them to his grandma’s house.

Tyler James Olsen, 19, was booked into the Salt Lake County Jail on September 15 on suspicion of criminal mischief, a third-degree felony. If convicted, he faces up to five years in jail and a fine. The good news is that the arresting officer (obviously another redneck fan) happened to have a Johnny Cash CD and let Olsen listen to it during the ride to the pokey.

Tyler shoulda listened to Johnny’s advice… “Don’t Take Your Guns (okay, Brushes) to Town, Son.” Oh well, I figure the poor guy’s gonna be humming “Folsom Prison Blues,” Doin’ My Time,” or even “I Got Stripes” fer a spell.–Tex